just gotta write this all out…
i should write more often…i guess my tendency to avoid doing so is a combination of things. first off, my life is busy…just like everyone else, but that shouldn’t be an excuse. secondly, i stopped for a long time because i was lost. i always prided myself on being literate and articulate for my age, but then i got to college and (for a lack of better words) freaked the fuck out. i was thrown into a new situation immersed in way more diverse people than ever before. i lost some self confidence because i realized there were a lot more people out there just as successful and interesting as i thought myself to be. i panicked. i shouldn’t have. it took some time for me to chill out and take a step back and gain perspective. but now i’m good…reeeeal good. i think i’ve figured it out…perhaps temporarily, but i’m good with that too.
i think the best way to summarize my thoughts on people, myself, and everything else is this:
never underestimate your self worth. we are all unique and beautiful and smart in our own way. (yes, this is exactly what your mother told you) but for real, i wish i wouldn’t have forgot this. of course there are bitches, haters, assholes, burnouts, and just plain bad people, but be careful not to write them off completely…because we all lose our way sometimes. take each day for what it’s worth and take everything with a grain of salt. opposition is not a bad thing. failure isn’t either. use everything…every mistake, every encounter, every moment to make yourself grow into a better, stronger person. most importantly, enjoy yourself. if you don’t, you’re taking life too seriously. save the energy for something good. THE END.
i’ve come to realize over this past year that i’m a pretty damn good person. i used to focus so much on being modest and i spent too much time critiquing and judging myself. i’m done with that. i’ve moved on to loving who i am…i know that won’t change. i’ve met enough people and gone through more than most people can say by the time they’re 40. with that said, i think i’ve made myself who i am, and for that, i can smile. everything i have i’ve earned one way or another…a lot of 19 year olds can’t say that. i think my goal from now on is to help the people i love feel the same way.
there are a few things i’d like to accomplish this summer…
1. make life better for my mom. as much as she makes things difficult, i love her unconditionally and want her to get out more and enjoy her 50′s. she needs to experience..in every sense of the word. i owe this to her.
2. help mollie gain some confidence. she’s getting better …but i know who she has inside of her.
3. get in the shape i used to be in. eat healthy, workout harder than ever, and no more drinking myself to ultimate proportions. i want to be the girl with the body everyone else envies. i know, how narcissistic can i get?
4. make some money. work my ass off. plain and simple.
5. be the best long-distance girlfriend ever. write ryan letters, send pictures, little things. he loves all that shit.
6. spend as much time as possible with my grandparents. call them, mail them postcards. make the most of the time they have left and let them know how much i love them.
that is all i’ve got. for now. adios!
